Tuesday, August 28, 2007

H for Hopkins

Am I, for instance, just sidling back to God because I know that if there's any road to H., it runs through Him? But then of course I know perfectly well that He can't be used as a road. If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. That's what was really wrong with all those popular pictures... the fact that they make an End of what we can get only as a by-product of the true End.

Lord, are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don't care whether I meet her or not? Consider, Lord, how it looks to us. What would anyone think of me if I said to the boys, 'No toffee now. But when you've grown up and don't really want toffee you shall have as much of it as you choose'?

A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Start of Something

Day 1 in
New York.

New life, new mercies, new trust. New hopes.
New doubts, new fears, new need. New disappointments.

New blog.

What a craaaazy day! I feel like I've been saying that everyday for a few weeks now.

Please make it stop soon...
Or just remind me that
You Are.

I moved into the apartment just before noon, and none of my 3 roommates were here yet, so I got first pick as far as beds and closets and cabinet space. Last night I was pretty happy about packing relatively little (2 duffel bags for all of college? Josh packed the whole Element) and yet having everything that I needed (or so I thought). There was no trash can, no food in the fridge, no toilet paper on the roll, no laundry or dish detergent... No bookshelves and things like that. Mother and I went on a 3 hour safari trying to get from Harlem to Elmhurst (near Flushing in Queens). Sunday afternoon with weekend schedules and route changes is probably not the best time for your first exposure to New York's MTA. I much prefer Taipei's MRT.

Sooo... I'm back now from a long day of dorm (it's not really a dorm but I will pretend it is. I wish I were at Wolman.) shopping at Target (I love over-the-door hooks and racks) and grocery shopping and fooding in Flushing. To taste Taiwan again was wonderful. My roommate had settled into our room in the meantime and was cocooned in her sleeping bag and fast asleep while my crazy mother and our crazy extended family (or her crazy extended family, really) helped me unpack a day of shopping. They were being loud and Asian.

Tomorrow morning when we wake up is going to be the first time my roommate and I meet each other. [Insert awkward turtle]. I'll do an extra swig of mouthwash now to prevent morning breath. I'm writing her a letter right now because I feel bad for ditching all the floor/hall functions. I'm in the lounge because 1) I don't want to disturb her anymore and 2) I get farty WiFi from my room. There's supposed to be a wireless network for each floor here, and I can pick up the signal from the 5th and 7th floors, as well as from Columbia University, but not from my floor. Boo.

I missed orientation, and I don't have my schedule yet (hah I'm not even really registered) although class starts tomorrow (or should I say today). It's going to be an interesting year. Everything as UNplanned.

JetBlue planes have good food and DirectTV for every seat. I missed the programming because I was trying to sleep. Unsuccessful. I haven't slept since 8AM in Pearl's bed.

Too full of thoughts
Restless. Sad to leave

Where are You taking me...

Tonight my cousin's boyfriend told me to watch the sky at midnight because for the first time in 10,000 years, Mars was going to be closer to the moon than the earth was. I watched intently but all I saw was the full moon and the Empire State Building. I think this city might be too well-lit and too fast for some of the things I like to enjoy slowly. Like... taking in the sky, or a deep inhale of clean air (not a chance here). Writing letters and journaling. Making the perfect demitasse and enjoying it without a plastic lid. Sitting on my driveway until strange hours of the night (something I did a lot last summer on too many occasions with too many different people).

Shall I forget those as things behind...
Shall I press on...

I'm not sure I can do it, Dad

Okay well I didn't see a bloated Mars in the sky tonight, and according to Google news, it was all an e-mail hoax. Buuut Tuesday morning there will be a second total lunar eclipse for this year.

I think I'm going to go hunt down my RA and grill him, because I kinda skipped that whole new student process. It's a wonderful and terrifying thing, not knowing in the least what to expect. Not comfortable. But then again, it's not home. Nor is it Home.

So far people in New York (especially at the college) seem nice and really willing to help out. Hope that doesn't change.

Please don't let that change...
Unless I come to love Your gifts too much

& if You take away...
Let me bless Your name, as Job.

I'm excited for Greenwich excursions with Lenny, and for Reg to move in later in September.

I am losing track of the days because each has been so unpredictable.
But I'm here!

It's the city that never sleeps for a girl who never sleeps.
(Oh Lord I hope I get some sleep.)

Wonderfully terrifying.

Not much is familiar.
I miss you.

How did I get here?
What are the chances?

Once in 10,000 years.

Here I'm just one of 10,000 students.
And yet You know my name --
Let that be enough for me,

Fairest One of 10,000.
You are God Emmanuel now
You have gone before me here
Sustain me with Your presence from here.

God how I need You.

I would absolutely die without You right now.
Keep me in this constant need of You in these coming months, LORD I pray...
Though experience and Your word have shown...

That this may be an excruciatingly daring prayer to pray
& that I had better be ready for Your bold answer to bold prayer.

Whatever the furnace...
God I trust... You'll send to be by me a son of the gods as in Daniel 3:25
Though You might also be the One tending the flames,
Let me rejoice in this kiln because You are with me.

Let me persist as Job.

Only... be merciful, God, O God.