Wednesday, December 16, 2009

We must be shaken, almost shattered, before we change.

"People abandon their bad habits only when catastrophe is close at hand. Intellect alone is not enough. We must be shaken, almost shattered, before we change, just as a grave illness must pass its crisis before it is known whether the patient will live or die... The danger of extinction is upon us, but so is the opportunity for a better life... We must therefore find a way to confront Medusa and to diagnose the sickness. Diagnosis is no cure, but it is a necessary first step" (Stoessinger, Why Nations Go to War 310).


It appears I am not a second-hand learner.

No trials but mine can bend or bow me. You are gracious to do just this. To burn in the furnace unyielding metal until it comes forth as gold, pure and malleable. To pummel by plow a heart of stone into arable good soil. To tempt in the tempest until at last we walk over water with eyes fixed on you.

Studies show weaksauces cave under pressure.

Why am I here, Dad? Why am I anywhere at all. I feel like such FAIL... such a waste of carbon.

Well, yes... you are made of carbon.

Uh. Yeah. THANKS.

And also... you are made.

*shifty eyes*
*shifty feet*

I'm insulted!

You're used to it.

Yes. I can take it. I took it to the cross.
But you should know...
Everything I created, I purposed.


O there now, dearie.*divine pat on the head*
I know you know it. And you'll see it, in time.

And... I much prefer "carbon under pressure."
Job 23.10, please.
Shall I come forth as diamonds?

Monday, December 14, 2009

On Tiger and Respect-me-ness

The recent media circus surrounding and exposing Tiger Woods has been sickening and particularly painful...

Because of his unique role and branding. Did he create the image? Or is that all on his sponsors--did he merely accept and endorse the stardom? Either way, he perpetuated the mask in his consistent efforts to conceal his shame under the all-American family man guise. If his sponsors needed him to be squeaky shiny spotless, if his family needed a loving husband and doting father and pro golfer to look to, he also needed to meet that need of theirs.
Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;
   let them not have dominion over me!

But secret sins and private stumbles... They mastered him. And paraded his shame on the worldstage in disgrace that far exceeded the guilty pleasure.

The recent exposure and media saturation has been revolting and particularly painful...

Because it bares the same sin of my heart before the LORD.  And I am... still more sinful than I know.
(all of me is more than enough for all of me)    Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults. 
How constantly I am tempted to maintain a veneer of faithful above-reproachedness to at least a few people. How I veil my fear of man and of confronting my sin and self with convincing justifications of love, obligation, honor or nurture--so as not to stumble or because they need to believe in . . . 

Heart intentions that deceive all, myself included, but maybe the most discerning. Sin "undiscerned and unsuspected . . . takes occasion to arise from every thing; it perverts and abuses every thing . . . even the exercises of real grace, and real humility, as an occasion to exert itself . . . He that trusts his own heart is a fool" (Edwards on Revivals, 273).

In view of Tiger's exposé (yes... we are on first-name basis. no... that's not why),  
Challies warns of the temptation "to add a layer of respectability" between yourself and the way you want to be perceived:
Do not construct elaborate falsehoods to mask your sin and your shame. These false fronts cannot stand forever. And the shame and pain of the ruin of a life lived out behind false pretenses will be far worse than the shame and pain of just dealing with sin immediately and properly. The temptation to mask your sin is nearly as strong as the temptation to sin in the first place. But to mask it is just to compound sin upon sin. It is merely to delay the inevitable.
Under your grace, LORD, sin has no dominion over me. Search me, show me, gently. Forgive me, correct me, expose me, perfect me in your mercy. By your blood and in your name
I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. 

Psalm 19.12-14

Sunday, December 13, 2009

On discovering INT ENV GOV term paper requires 1.5-not-double spacing.

Who 1.5-spaces?! WHY?
400 words per page instead of 250!

☑ Re-bloat essay with more adjectives after paring down to super-conciseness because I thought I was running out of words.
☑ Move ideas and references out of footnotes and integrate into text.
☑ Vent to those still awake and online.
☑ Blog for those already asleep and offline.
☑ Caffeinate.

Yes I would like cheese with this whine. Har HAR H A R . . . !

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Ohai. Jesus speakings.

Hans Urs Von Balthasar

Is this the God I have revealed to you?!
The self-sufficient God of the wise men of this world, who lacks nothing?
My love for you has put their philosophy to SHAME.
This was the most divine thing about God,
and to show this was My whole concern:

God was free enough to give himself up.

This is how I decided to give Myself... right out of My hand.
I wanted to be the one given away par excellence.
The corpse over which the vultures gather.
The Consumed, the Eaten, the Drunk, the Spilled, the Poured Out.
The Plaything. The Worn Out.
The One squeezed to the very dregs.
The One trod upon to infinity.
The One thinned to air.
The One liquefied into an ocean.
The Dissolved.

This was the plan; this was the will of the Father.
By fulfilling it through obedience,
I have filled the world from heaven down to hell.

and every knee must bend before Me,
and all tongues must confess Me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Some things that confuse me.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

And then she said...

Evil in our lives is like the color black in paintings. Our lives are as a canvas before the Lord, rebels and children alike. He is sovereign, he is good, and he does all things well. The black in our lives was no mistakes, every stroke is a part of the whole.

Some afflictions are caused by our own sins, some are not. Learn to distinguish these well... Because if it is the first, we must repent and learn our lesson lest we have to be taught it again. In either case and all the more in times of joy--wait upon the Lord, sing his praises, fear him--for this the the whole duty of humanity.

In Psalms 33, the psalmist sings a "new song" in the face of death and famine; in suffering that was not due to his sins. In Psalm 40, he again sings a "new song" as he is rescued from the miry bog that is his own unrighteousness. Yet in either cases, Yahweh is the cause of the new song that comes forth from his lips. We are to wait upon our deliverer, for he is faithful, good, and true.

Adoniram and Ann Judson lost their first child, nameless, at sea sailing to Burma as the first missionaries to the heathen land. Their second child, Roger, died at 17 months... When Roger died, Ann wrote,

"Our hearts were bound up with this child; we felt he was our earthly all, our only source of innocent recreation in this heathen land. But God saw it was necessary to remind us of our error, and to strip us of our only little all. O, may it not be vain that he has done it. May we so improve it that he will stay his hand and say 'It is enough.'"

O may I have that kind of faith in God's goodness and sovereignty. May our pains not be in vain and may we so improve for his glory.

But I never quite hear it right away.
I had to learn another painful lesson today.
Thankful your words had first tilled my heart.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

sat down and wept

By the rivers dark
I wandered on
I lived my life
in Babylon

and I did forget
my holy song
and I had no strength
in Babylon

by the rivers dark
where I could not see
who was waiting there
who was hunting me

and he cut my lip
and he cut my heart
so I could not drink
from the river dark

and he covered me
and I saw within
my lawless heart
and my wedding ring

I did not know
and I could not see
who was waiting there
who was hunting me

by the rivers dark
I panicked on
I belonged at last
to Babylon

then he struck my heart
with a deadly force
and he said, "This heart
it is not yours."

and he gave the wind
my wedding ring
and he circled me
with everything

by the rivers dark
in a wounded dawn
I live my life
in Babylon

tho' I take my song
from a withered limb
both song and tree
they sing for him

be the truth unsaid
and the blessing gone
if I forget
my Babylon

I did not know
and I could not see
who was waiting there
who was haunting me

by the rivers dark
where it all goes on
by the rivers dark
in Babylon

// "By the Rivers Dark," Leonard Cohen

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Advent longings... though it's not quite December.

You've been promised, we've been waiting... where Y'at??!

O You who heal us by wounding us! Who heal us from the madness of
totality, from the pestilence of invulnerability.
-Hans Urs von Balthasar

so wrap our injured flesh around You
breathe our air and walk our sod
rob our sin and make us holy
perfect Son of God

How long??

Were not it for Your hand rending and readying us, we could not soooo deplore this lack and so desire wholeness in that Other Place. For this now very painful and unpleasant grace, I thank You. You will harvest righteousness and peace. You will bring us home. We wait.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Be a part of God's system

"... I’m going to soon reach a breaking point, and I will want to throw everything down..."

Steve's tumblr post reminded me I've been meaning to share this awesome work of my dear friend Rebecca who I miss every day. For their IV-equivalent of Epiphany she and friends parodied Andy Samberg's SNL digital short "On the Ground"

I was walkin' through the freshman dorm
And a man walks up to me, hands me the latest issue of porn
"More pleasure, your desire"
--MAN, I'm not gonna let you poison me

I threw it on the ground
You must think I like sin!
I ain't gonna be part of that system--
MAN! Pump that garbage in another man's face

I go to my favorite SI session
An unbeliever says,
"I think you're mighty fine! You can have me for free..."
I said, "MAN! What I look like? Proverbs 7?"

I took him, and threw him on the GROUND!
--I don't need your temptations!
--I'm a royal priesthood!
Puh-leez. You can't buy me, unclean man!

At the bio lab with my so-called partner
She hands me her textbook, she says "OMG!"
--MAN, this ain't my God,
This is a TEXTBOOK!

I threw it on the ground!
What, you think I'm STUPID?
Idols ain't part of my system
My God's not a book--DUUH!!

Some poser invites me to a worship party
Where's he at?
I'll check on him. What's this?

Hypocrite to the ground!
I threw the pillow on him, too!
Welcome to the real world, Pharisee!

Rebecca: So many things to throw on the ground
Matt: Like lust, and hate,
Wes: and fear, and even shame

(REBECCA CONVERTS MATT & WES)--hits pamphlets out of their hands
Two atheist phonies try to feed me their religion
You can't have na world without God, phonies!

Then the two phonies got up
Turned out they lived in Glaser
And then I whipped out my Bible
Knees to the ground
The phonies didn't get up
I was preachin' bout Jesus over and over

They were repentin' and believin'
Their souls were on fire
The moral of the story is
Be a part of God's system

... MAN!!

She's wonderful. :)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

A Psalm of Esther

... my psalter's is so damn repetitive. When will I learn?

If I pored over Your word
as over source texts as when assigned an essay
as on semantic reference and definite descriptions ... 

If I denied myself the comforts of physical fill and rest
to mete the urgency of Your kingdom
as to meet looming deadlines for submission, and not That kind, ... 

 If I craved the perfection of my soul
i.e. Your sanctifying work and grace
as I desire perfection in my own efforts ... 
But I see now
Your work, grace.
My work, toil. 

You must affect my affections.
My affections unaided fail to be for You.
I once thought if instead at divinity school,
to meditate on Your precepts constantly
and to call this my highest duty
would be easy. Natural.

By nature?

As if a holier place outside me could mute my sin nature
Like a new nature within to abolish the old.

As if delighting in my studies would be delighting in You.
I shudder that some brilliant theologian might not be known by You.

But I see now, even in such a place
I would inquire into You
not to draw nearer to You
-- Nearness'd be a precipitate at best--
but to satisfy my intellect and delusional hunger for merit.
As if earning favor is sweeter than the unmerited favor that some call grace.

Heart, is He not enough for you?

God, are You not enough for me?

Mercy, LORD.
For though my heart does not -YET!- embrace and communicate this
to my every ac/affec -tion its chief and ultimate end is You.

it must be You. nearness to You
delight in You
Your gracious accepting--saving--approval

You have shown me that my heart is capable of these affections
Only... not after You.

Yet I will hope in the "yets"
For I am Your grace in progress.

But I fear! to ask that You take Your place
that I have usurped vis lesser, idolatrous loves.

I am afraid to enthrone You.
I trust not in Your goodness. Mercy, Father.

Heart! has He not been trustworthy?
Is He not more aweful than your little fears,
does He not store up your sorry tears?
More wonderful than dirty rags,
He is worthy.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Laughter & Khapalbhati (Bikram Asana #26)

Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha

This plus a lot of sweat is what the last few minutes of each Bikram session with Janice are like.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The only way I can "let it go."

3. Resolved, instead of merely saying "I'll pray for you" whether to comfort you or with every intention to do so later, to pray for you right then, and to entrust you, your cares, my care for you, and my care for your cares to One who is able to do immeasurably more and to comfort far more abundantly than vain words and possibly forgotten promises to pray.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Now you see unveiled.

“Are the gods not just?”

“Oh no, child.
"What would become of us if they were?
"But come and see."

CSL, Till We Have Faces

Monday, September 14, 2009

On Comprehending Little

All-knowing, all-good God, in mercy take captive my every thought... hope... fear... doubt. Plant me, and I will not be shaken. Give us more Grace today, and a full Grace, for for her to live is Christ.

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine // Jason Upton

Monday, August 31, 2009

God I want You more than to be used by You.

Lord make this true of my heart.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

"Ambivalent toward" should not be confused with "having made peace with."

Today a robot friend and I browsed at a store with tees made for me.

one of them was along the lines of

and I liked it very much but not for $38.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

If Only It Worked This Way

Joshua: so fug
what u wants for your bday
Sent at 10:46 PM on Tuesday
me: oooo
i dont need anything
Sent at 10:49 PM on Tuesday
Joshua: i see
so what do you want
me: a rain check

My brother and mom are in town next week to visit and help me move to my new apartment!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Just a New York Poem

Nikki Giovanni

i wanted to take
your hand and run with you
together toward
ourselves down the street to your street
i wanted to laugh aloud
and skip the notes past
the marquee advertising "women
in love" past the record
shop with "The Spirit
In The Dark" past the smoke shop
past the park and no
parking today signs
past the people watching me in
my blue velvet and i don't remember
what you wore but only that i didn't want
anything to be wearing you
i wanted to give
myself to the cyclone that is
your arms
and let you in the eye of my hurricane and know
the calm before

and some fall evening
after the cocktails
and the very expensive and very bad
steak served with day-old baked potatoes
after the second cup of coffee taken
while listening to the rejected
violin player
maybe some fall evening
when the taxis have passed yo uby
and that light sort of rain
that occasionally falls in new york begins
you'll take a thought
and laugh aloud
the notes carrying all the way over
to me and we'll run again
toward each other

Friday, June 26, 2009

Top 7 Jackson

I Want You Back
You Are Not Alone
ABC 123
Billie Jean
Smooth Criminal
Heal the World

and yours?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What is a date???

Your thoughts, finger wags and wrist slaps are welcome.
: but then what's the point?
12:40 PM of just one casual fun date
me: whats the diff with hanging out?
Iris: so is it hanging out or is it a date?
me: im not sure... whats the difference?
hanging out... on his tab
Iris: haha..
12:41 PM there are more emotions attached to a date i guess
i think a date feels like it could go somewhere other than friendship
hanging out is platonic
unless it's a PSEUDO DATE
me: lol omg too many word i just dont know
when i go out with girls we call it a date12:43 PM Iris: that's difft! that's just joking!
me: mehhh?????????
Iris: it's not a legit date with girls!
me: appointment??
its not a legit date with him
Iris: rendez-vous!
12:44 PM are there feelings attached?
me: no!
just fun!
Iris: then it's not a date at all right?
me: im gonna go look up date in the dictionary
Iris: lol
12:45 PM me: to go out socially on dates: She dated a lot during high school.
6. an appointment for a particular time: They have a date with their accountant at ten o'clock.
7. a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night.
8. a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement: Can I bring a date to the party?
12:46 PM Iris: okay but what about the connotations of the word "date"
me: thats the thing, i just dont know
12:47 PM hes basically saying... can i book you for a weekend
Iris: hmmm..
well okay what else did he say
does he think it's a date
12:48 PM me: he says he has no intentions of anything more than a good time and enjoying each others company
12:49 PM Iris: so..that's not a date right?? i am confused now..
me: what IS a date?
Iris: i have no idea!!!!
me: me neither
hahah sorry.
12:50 PM Iris: that doesnt sound like a date..right?
12:51 PM me: HAHA iris i dont know what a date is
i dont know if ive ever been on one
is it just a hangout where you evaluate the possibility of further hangouts at the end and have an awkward goodbye?
12:53 PM Iris: YES.
that sounds about right

1:04 PM me: i mean can it just be a platonic interest?
like hey robin can i buy you dinner?
tomorrow? we should catch up?
like that
yo i go on dates with vivian?
am i just conflating terms here
1:05 PM Robin: see
dates with girls are fun hangouts
1:06 PM like us hanging out would be called a casual date by some but a hang out by others
so to minimize confusion
I only apply the term date
1:07 PM to a time spent with a person of the opposite sex where the intentions are to get to know them better
me: well yeah!
Robin: and where it's made clear
me: isnt the intention always to get to know someone better
Robin: of course
but asians suck at being straightforward
they beat around the bush too much
1:08 PM a white dude woulda come up to you and said
hey can I take you out on a date?
an asian guy says
lets hang out!
it's a murky area
because it gives both parties deniability
but also leads to confusion
as in are we on a date or what??

Vivian: I think a Date is a hangout with romantic intentions on both sidesme: so like
what we do

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

As if we're not enough veiled already

One of two classes I'm taking right now is called Jewish Law and Ethics. Something my professor said yesterday is still bouncing through my brainiums:
"Reading the Bible in English is almost like kissing the bride through the veil."
-- Roy Mittelman

Monday, June 1, 2009

Your two dads.

Franklin: ooh
your mom!

And then I lol'ed like I usually do at my own lame joques.

*SIGH* Killed the giggles.

i dont understand ur joke
he has gay parents?
or his mom is really a guy
me: no
none of the above
Norman: you're making fun of God?

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Today I feel like the oldest 19-year-old ever.

Friday, May 22, 2009

DPE & DPV Season Finale

The pilot began with something like, "Back when Coney Island still was..."
Which, of course, was so many stories and late-night binges and elaborate rodent trap designs ago
that this screen capture must be sepiafied.

In our last hour as roommates, we stacked the last of her belongings to the curb like sidewalk sale items except not for sale, and then for the first time, did as those on our streets do.

We chilled on the apartment steps, just whiling the time away.

And then her mom's car arrived. And then it was loaded. And then they pulled away. And took the floodgates with.

If we were domestic partners in an Asian sitcom, this'd be the part where the sad but anticipatory strings cue in.

Damn cliffhangers (like Violet in Private Practice) that can even cause a student's desire for resolution and for the next season's premier to sillily (this needs to be a word) overlook the present joy: summer break.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I have tried, several times, to like you. I really have.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009



Monday, May 18, 2009

And Poo + Vit D Make Gold

This morning's uncited breaking research e-mail from mom to my brother and me.

Take in lots of shrimp and drink in plenty of orange (espeically Vitamin C in-take) will probably cause death.

Shrimp + Vitamin C (after chemical reaction) = AS2O3

Angela Nobuko Yoshiko

AS2O3?? What? Two shrimp and ozone? I think she means arsenic oxide.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Kanger Wu!

Happy Mother's Day, Ronnie :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

La Lenteur

Strand is 18 miles of new and used happiness and one of my favorite stops in this city, where stopping is almost unheard of--not for stop lights, ambulances, pedestrians, not to sleep, not to smell roses (but maybe to smell the yellow bordered pages of basement books :D ).

Tonight's happy find was a first edition of Kundera's Slowness:
"Why has the pleasure of slowness disappeared? Ah, where have they gone, the amblers of yesteryear? Where have they gone, those loafing heroes of folk song, those vagabonds who roam from one mill to another and bed down under the stars? Have they vanished along with footpaths, with grasslands and clearings, with nature? There is a Czech proverb that describes their easy indolence by a metaphor: 'They are gazing at God's windows.' A person gazing at God's windows is not bored; he is happy. In our world, indolence has turned into having nothing to do, which is a completely different thing: a person with nothing to do is frustrated, bored, is constantly searching for the activity he lacks" (3).
The heart constantly, restlessly in search stops to catch her breath
   in musty used bookstores
   in lots and lots of food
   in new music, new clothes, new things
The good stuff of boredom and frustration.

Maybe the rest is sweeter, closer for the busier & tireder
   joining the ranks of corporate America via Slavebucks
   bloating the mind and body to compensate for the heart
   chasing down flying 175g objects
The stuff of restlessness and exhaustion.

"Restless till they rest in Thee" says Augustine in Confessions (another Strand acquisition). Looking to lesser rest for the cure. This my idolatry these days.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Asian + Dairy Products

73 degrees out today but I managed to make it snow. Indoors.

At Starbucks the whipped cream is made fresh from heavy cream + vanilla syrup. So I'm screwing in the nitrous oxide charger and suddenly... EXPLODE!!! yay! A shower of freshly whipped cream everywhere. Like... on everyone's faces, clothes, the menu board. The other baristas applauded and welcomed me to the team--it happens to everyone, they said.

That's also what they told me when I left a pitcher of milk steaming (didn't know depressing the lever any less than all the way results in manual, not automatic steaming) and it erupted. yay!

Frothed milk when it dries on my black work shoes looks like bird poo.

Thursday, April 30, 2009


Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Mate of Room & Soul

this one, too

Originally uploaded by xsylns

This Is My Cat

without her idk where i bes.

Originally uploaded by xsylns

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Finally in the Vernacular!

Good news = U Can Haz Cheezeburgrz 2

"Everwun what reedz these wurdz will has cheezburgrz and everwun what heerz theez wurdz will has cheezburgrz. Also, pay attenshuns, cuz iz comin. Habeeb it" (Revelation 1:3, Lolcat Bible).

Excerpt from awgooment fwum free will paradoks:

Ceiling Cat givz free will, but he noes what kittehs r going 2 do cuz Ceiling Cat iz omnishcientz. Dis is paradoks cuz u no can haz free will if Ceiling Cat allreedy noes wut ur going 2 do, srsly. Kthxbye.

(Edit: greystar13 Kounterargumentz: We can has Free Will an Ceeling Cat can still haz omni... omnomnom... know evry things.)

There's so much to gain from the rich nuances of meaning offered by different translations. Take Song of Solomon 6:7 for another example:
Ur butt
is liek a peach.

Friday, March 27, 2009


and Kingdoms. Civic obedience and allegiance. Such abstractions to one indoctrinated by the trappings of democracy--which is, of course, a very different City of Man from those chronicled in the Writings and from that in the New Testament under Caesar. Maybe my political context is not that different--in every age, government preaches hope and healing and power, or maybe it does hinder my ability to draw more relevance from those stories of David I love or from those parables of a now and future Kingdom, the City of God. I don't know.

Anyway, just some thoughts after watching NBC's Kings on Hulu. Yay, another TV show!

Ever wonder how the Samuels might play out in modern day? Kings probably gets close, plus bonus timely, incisive political commentary. The pilot was excellent and I'm looking forward to more. Interested in seeing how true to the story the script might remain.

What this preoccupation with butterflies?

Kings imagines the stories of Saul (or Silas Benjamin) and David (David Shepherd) with other not-so-subtle allusions (e.g. General Abner, mother Jessie, Rev. Samuels) in a contemporary context. Or rather, some future in which a corporately financed monarchy, the Kingdom of Gilboa, has established a new capital at Shiloh through "industry, through ingenuity, through war and sacrifice." Factions fractured have become one nation at peace. The promise and falsehood of kings is unification, peace, strength, progress... in our lifetimes, with God as the tool and the means. A beautiful capital rising from ashy ruins. One flag, one king who parades the presumption of God's blessing then says "to hell with God" when he is told he has forfeited God's favor.

Shall a government ever restore sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, life to the dead? Shall one ever establish justice and peace and say, "Every tear has been wiped away?" The best of our passing cities only hint at these. To the world, Church, not state, must be the visible hint of the hope (real hope, not Obama hope) Kingdom to come.

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Philippians 3:20

[My Glory]-ous

Daddy, did You make me for mediocrity...

No, love. For glory. Mine.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Coronary Not Adrenal

Make of me a
Coronary--not adrenal--Christian.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Monday, March 16, 2009


Thanks for all your fun help on this app!

A Adaptable, Adventurous, Anticipant, Antiphonic, Awkward
B Bibliophilic, Burrito
C Chary, Composed, Contemplative, Convalescent, Cynical
D Depressing, Determined, Domestic
E Eccentric, Efficient, Emulous, Epicurean, Estrogenic
F Fierce, Flighty, Forbearing, Forgiven
G Gallant, Generous, Grateful
H Haphazard, Hormonal
I Impetuous, Indomitable, Inquisitive, Insightful, Insomniac
J Jaded, Jaunty, Joquose
K Katabolic, Katagelophobic
L Lazy, Logical, Loyal
M Maternal, Meek
N Narcissist, Narcoleptic, Neurotic
O Obeisant, OCD, Opinionated, Omnivorous
P Perceptive, Pessimistic, Philoprogenitive, Piquant, Poetic
Q Queenly, Quirky, Quixotic
R Random, Redeemed, Resigned, Resilient, Resolved
S Sanguine, Sarcastic, Sinitic, Spontaneous, Spoony
T Taiwanese, Teachable, Transparent, Tried
U Unassuming, Unattainable, Urbane
V Veritable, Volatile
W Wanderlust, Witty, Wordsmith
X Xanthous, Xenomaniacal, Xeric
Y Yammering, Yearnful, Yellow
Z Zabaglione, Zany, Zephyr, Zeroic, Zesty, Zetetic

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


沒想到 竟然 在我出生時 媽媽還沒有成為美國公民
而且 爸爸媽媽兩個到現在都還沒正式的放棄中華民國國籍 (沒有內政部核發的證明書)
所以依照教育部的法規 我沒辦法使用外國學生申請入學管道進入台灣任何一所大學

真可惜 是在我連續熬過好幾夜 趕著申請轉台灣大學
才發現 我不合格
差三個月 就合格
(媽媽 10/1989 成為美國公民 而且在我出生前兩個禮拜就已經通過歸化考了)

遇到這種情況時 都會有點失望 覺得白白努力了一場
小信時 就抱怨 上帝 幹麻要這樣玩弄我呢

然而 我要因耶和華歡欣 因救我的神喜樂 (哈巴谷書 3:18)
主啊 祢叫我安靜等候祢 相信你 你是可靠的 全能的
我信不足 球你原諒 球你幫助

You will make sense of it all... someday. We wait for You.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Look at the Birds of the Air

Said the Robin to the Sparrow,
"I should really like to know
Why these anxious human beings
Rush about and worry so."

Said the Sparrow to the Robin,
"Friend, I think that it must be
That they have no heavenly Father
Such as cares for you and me."

   -- Elizabeth Cheney.

There's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow.

   -- Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act V.

Lord I ask mercy and forgiveness for the way I worry, fear, and regret that betrays Your colossal trustworthiness to a watching world. Grant me grace to rest in Your goodness and fix a steady gaze on You... You are the only sight worth living by.

Monday, March 2, 2009

C.G. Jung RE: Female Mind

"Obviously what I was doing wasn't science. What then could it be but art? It was as though these were the only alternatives in the world. That is the way a woman's mind works" (185).

-C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections

Mouse in Ma House

How dare you
Nibble my food and crap
On my books?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Yums in the Last 24 Hours

Beard Papa's Green Tea Cream Puff
Maeda-En Green Tea Mochi Ice Cream
Glico Giant Pocky
I-Mei Vanilla Wafers
Ferrero Moments
Pringles Pizza Stix

This they call wounded pride, not wounded heart.

She wondered whether she was sadder about him or about being sad about him, so little did parting with her seem to cost him.

Monday, February 23, 2009

No Answer

I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?

-- CSL, Till We Have Faces

Friday, February 20, 2009

Daily Bread

2. Resolved, to daily pray and hunger for daily bread--the Holy Spirit whom our heavenly Father delights to give to His children, as the Lord taught us to pray (Luke 11:1-13).

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The converse does not hold.

All who read this blagh
Should already be my friend
On facebook. Add me.

Monday, February 16, 2009


About me.
Q1: Where were you raised?
A: Naperville.

Q2: Where did you grow up?
A: New York City.

Q3: Where are you from?
A: Chicago.

Q4: Why do you say you're from Chicago?

Note to self. Pause and differentiate questions one and two. They are not the same, though most who ask do not mind the semantic differences. In #1, the verb tense is past and passive. Passive like, the raising happens to us. In general, Naperchilds are not the agents of this action.
Responsibilities?? What are those??!
I might never utter the sentence, "I grew up in Chicago," ever again. That is, if I intend to answer the question honestly and meaningfully. These last two sentences bring back fond memories of agonizing over Grice, British philosopher of language.

I should add here that I'm not actually from the Second City. I dislike saying "Windy City" because then my neuroticism compels me to explain that it's not actually renowned for its windspeeds, which are in fact, at a 10.3 mph annual average rate, less than New York City's 12.2 mph (

We live a 30 minute drive out from the city; you'd think there would be a certain semblance in the way and pace of life because of this proximity. But really. No. Naperville's one homeless guy camps outside of Barnes and Noble surfing his laptop and Blackberry.

I'm not from Chicago, but Naperville brings you up in such a small and insignificant way that who actually wants to explain that she is from a Northwest suburb of Chicago that is in fact the epitome of suburbia, complete with "globally renowned public schools" and an award-winning public library from whence I blog (Nichol's I have missed thee), and replete with kids who insist that they are not sheltered, who got nicer limos for junior prom than their parents had for their weddings?

So we claim to be Chicagoans instead. And this claim does not just belong to the 15% of the city's demographic that happens to be Asian-American and also happens to like saving face (NB: correlation does not confirm causation). It is common to all 4% of the population that has left the city limits... JK, really. That can't be true what with the semi-annual vacations we take. I write in jest. I am not (that) ashamed of Naperville, for it is a blessed provision of God for all 150,000 people who live there, first to the privileged white people who inherited large estates from circa when Naperville was a quaint farming town but now especially so to the influx of yellow families flocking to its high schools and high property taxes.

Money magazine lists Naperville as #2 on its 2006 list of America's best small cities to live in. Naperville takes third place for 2008 probably because it was a tragic year that saw the loss of such down-to-earth occupants as Joshua Liu, Rebecca Wei, Anna Gui, Jerry Lin, Mallory Baysek... (Insert fond winks and twinkley eyes). Did you know Naperville, population 150,000, is the fifth largest city in the state after Chicago, Aurora, Rockford and Joliet though? I'm learning so much new today; how was my previous existence here so insular that I now have to Wikipedia the place where I lived for a decade, where we all supposedly came of age... Supposedly.

But I digress. More later.

Believe me I have lots to say. And I will try to be less snarky. No guarantees though.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Hug Machines

Grey's Anatomy 5x13 - "Beat Your Heart Out"

Dixon: Cows are squeezed tightly in the chute before they're slaughtered. The chute applies intense pressure, resulting in decreased pulse rate, metabolic rate, and muscle tone.

Bailey: It calms them down.

Dixon: It calms them down. The same principles apply to people like me. A hugging machine is used to relax the sympathetic nervous system. Slows the heart. This is good, it's working.

Yang: Oh, so we can stop now?

Dixon: No.

Thank You, God, for the hug machines in my life! Echoes of Your everlasting arms that always catch me between my breaking.

Friday, February 6, 2009


1. Resolved, each day I wake, to meet the Lord in prayer, thanking Him for mercy and strength and life, asking what He requires of me for the day at hand, and submitting what I think is good to His wise purposes of just action, humble discipleship, and charity (Micah 6:8).

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Discipline - for the Purpose of Godliness

Now persuaded that I am thoroughly ineffectual, and often content to be, without the Spirit of power and self-discipline that He gives, I do desperately entreat Him by His grace to raise up in me a godly and effective woman of resolve as much as it agrees to His will for Christ's sake.

Adapted from Mr. Edwards -- of course.


Sunday, February 1, 2009

Until Now

I resented that You had bigger dreams -- plans -- for me than I had for myself.
  Then I said,"Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll.
      I delight to do your will, O my God;
        Your law is within my heart. Ps 40

Lord, make me more like Your Son. A servant under orders. A Son in unbroken communion. Humble. Believing You not merely as an announcer, but as the very bringer of the Kingdom. Yea!

Friday, January 30, 2009


Sometimes I smile and wonder whether God made me for His chuckling purposes. Or maybe to hear me giggle.

I am convinced that this laughter that can afford an aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation, even if only for a few seconds is a gift. For us to better glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Saturday, January 24, 2009

2 Weeks in the ROC... I'm 1.5-Lingual at Best

Every Taiwan trip
I learn just how bilingual
I really am not.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Pascal's Wager for the Paranoid

I thought I was the only one.