This Very Present Darkness

These days, I have said to friends, depression is knocking at my door, and I am fearful, though I have been told I need not, and must not, be dismayed.

It crouches at my door. I must not be mastered by it.

Some days I am inexplicably (with reference to my current circumstances) sad and disembodied. This gloomy cloud follows me.

These days, I miss her. She understood. But I don't just miss her understanding; I don't just miss being understood. I miss her. I feel her absence without jumping to fill it for someone else for the first time since that initial sorrow. I think of how a year ago around now, we were planning for our weekend in Princeton.

Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it (Hebrews 2:1). Do not neglect your great salvation, Esther. You have a Savior!

So having put on the full armor, is our only marching order to stand firm? Will Papa really fight on our behalves?

Arm ourselves for the darkness at hand, we must.

Because the fog--It obscures the truth that He already has championed us. And He's irrevocably won.

I pray that mercy would root my heart and mind deeply in the gospel. And that the light of this victory would resight my blind fumbling aim and distorted vision.

I must see You, Jesus. Please open my eyes and fix them on You or I shall certainly get lost in the ambiguities.

A deep fog stalks me. But another cloud goes before. By day. By night (Exodus 13:21). It shepherds me along the Way.

Even those sheep who stray into rabbit trails are not lost to You.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward...

You will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire--besides You.

My flesh and my heart do fail.

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion. Forever.

Who then are the mourners?

The mourners are those who have caught a glimpse of God's new day, who ache with all their being for that day's coming, and who break out into tears when confronted with its absence... The mourners are aching visionaries. Such people Jesus blesses; he hails them, he salutes them. And he gives them the promise that the new day for whose absence they ache will come. They will be comforted. The Stoics of antiquity said: Be calm. Disengage yourself. Neither laugh nor weep. Jesus says: Be open to the wounds of the world. Mourn humanity's mourning, weep over humanity's weeping, be wounded by humanity's wounds, be in agony over humanity's agony. But do so in the good cheer that a day of peace is coming.

// Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son.

Foundations, 5 -- The Builder.

unless the LORD builds the house

those who build it, those who build it

labor in vain

unless the LORD guards the gate

those who guard it, those who guard it

stay awake in vain 

// ps 127 // is 42

who is near you? the Lord is near you
the Lord of pity, the trampled beauty
he will not leave you, will not forsake you
he brings forth justice
hes not discouraged

i rise up early and lay my head late

he gives rest

he gives rest

i eat the bread of my toil’s anxiousness

he gives sleep

he gives sleep

ive greatly labored but have not achieved

he is your reward

he is your reward

i chose a path but my feet were misled
i host the banquet but i am not filled
i have twice given but have not once received

he will repay you

he will repay you

ive greatly suffered and seen no relief
ive seen a mother abandon her baby
ive seen a lover betrayed and i am she

he groans out for you

he groans out for you

Ive called you righteous
I will take your hand
this I promise
my own covenant
you will see, o blind men
release the captives
come out of the dungeon
those who sit in darkness
I will march out
I will cry out
I will lead you
these things I will do