Tuesday, September 11, 2007


So I'm NOT Crazy!
Not delusional at least.

TT called.
I think he was terrified.
I think only the thought that this is what You wanted him to do could have encouraged (en- being the causative prefix not really encourage as we use it) him to go through with it (though I kind of wish he hadn't...). How am I such a grammar nazi geek.

No one's ever been so forward or upright with me.
I guess this constitutes a DTR.

'Twas no mirage after all.

I guess that's comforting.

Although... I'm afraid...

It's only gonna get more confusing.
There will be no more let sleeping dogs lie.

The dogs are very, very awake.
And a leash is hardly restraint enough.
These rules... God what a fine line.

Protect him, please!
And me.

But the thing with this one is...
I feel like I could let him go. And that is new.
In fact I'm already letting him go... And it is hard.
Especially here and now...

Where I crave anything familiar, stable, comfortable.
I will let him go. I will find it in You.

It's just uber complicated now, knowing. I wish I didn't know.
So close to something when we halted it.
Or attempted to.
I hope it works.

Good thing tomorrow brings so many other concerns.

How long do I have to feel this way...
Not long, I pray.

This is all so new.

I really want to just pick up a pen and scribble down all the things I feel and couldn't say and stick it in an envelope and make him read it and agree but... I've confused him enough as it is.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

This Week in GTalk

My brother, on flying home the weekend of 10/8.

Joshua: you saved us
mom just called and was like
esther is coming home, so me and dad are no longer going to go visit you guys
Sent at 11:14 AM on Saturday

Calvin Chung, on saying "oh I'm sure" when I said I had a tiring first week in NY.

Calvin: i'm being non-sarcastic
travel back and forward is a lot of work
Sent at 12:03 PM on Friday

Mallory Baysek, on the cruelties of Yale.

Sent at 3:19 PM on Thursday

Paul Liu on google chat.

Dad: what's up meimei
Sent at 2:43 PM on Thursday

Ed Hsu, on mutual missage.

Ed: :/ we all miss you a ton!!
i wish you could be closer by
or at least more often visitable/visited
Sent at 10:26 AM on Thursday

Laura Chou, on potential love interests.

Laura: that's confusing you can only pick one
You can't be a sports jock, a softie, and a nerd
that's what categories are for
and not a vinn diagram
Sent at 3:59 PM on Wednesday

Leo Hua, on NYC.

Leo: gotta love the 3rd wheel action
me: but it makes me sick for home or something
not that theres a boy waiting for me at home
but it just makes being alone even more glaringly obvious
Leo: nothing wrong with being alone :o
me: err i dont mean single i mean alone
Leo: yeah alone =P
well it's better to choose to be alone
than to try to make friends and end up alone
nyc is a pretty lonely place
i hope to make some friends someday
Sent at 10:44 PM on Tuesday

James Jih, on Staedtler Triplus Fineliners.

Jimmy: and then finally seeing the benefits of color coded note taking
one look of a boring all pen or all pencil note taking i get so zoned out
and think that these notes are boring
Sent at 10:40 PM on Tuesday

Bobby Wei, on my lasting legacy.

showmethewei: check this out
one of the survey questions that we had to fill out for our dorm building
was what movie/book would you recommend
4) For films, I would recommend either “Remember the Titans” or” Zoolander”. The former is an inspiring story while the latter a classic comedy, bringing spiritual enlightenment to all who see it.
Sent at 10:11 AM on Tuesday

Ed Hsu, on the inner workings of the male mind.

Ed: guys do not invest time on a girl unless he 1) likes you or 2) likes your friend
Sent at 11:24 PM on Monday

Laura Chou, on being feverish.

Laura: the fever is burning away the intelligent brain cell
and yes i do mean "cell"
Sent at 8:08 PM on Sunday

I love love love my funny friends. :)

Coney Island

Now I can check off on my list of things to do in this lifetime my most recently added accomplishment... Frolic in an old-school sea-side amusement park at night! A very Mitch Albom thing to do. And eat hotdogs at Nathan's Famous, like Kobayashi! Clearly I just add things as I go along. There's actually no organized list, yet. Well there used to be a bunch of lists at est725her.blogspot.com but that was such an embarassing blog thank God for delete buttons. I'm not sure I like this whole blogger as part of Google thing. Not quite ready to have it so obviously linked to me... I think I'll keep the separate login for now.

Went to Coney Island tonight. Last stop on the D.

It's not really an island! But according to Wiki, it used to be one.
Elephant ears are not really the ears of elephants.
Cotton candy is not really made of cotton.
I survived the Cyclone & the Topspin with minimal whiplash and nausea.
I got scammed by the carnival game people.
I love the feeling of sand between my toes.
I won a teddy bear.
Tonight I saw the most brilliant fireworks display of my life. I've never been so close before! The smoke was overpowering though and there were occasional chunks of the cardboard mortar shell falling out of the sky. Almost as cool as the fireworks themselves were the wispy ghosts of fireworks past. They looked like smokey jellyfish or daddy long legs, or just really bizzarro clouds, as if a giant invisible Cheshire Cat were on steroids.

Ahhh... The smell of the sea.

Hmm... God I'm so thankful for Vivian.

Thursday, September 6, 2007


No garden gnomes or marshmallow peeps were injured in the making of this blog. Estherogenic exists mainly as a brain dump for yours truly. You have been warned... I do take responsibility for the nonsense that I may write here, but know that they probably were not very carefully evaluated and that my views are likely to change if given more thought. I'm open to discussion, dissent, whatever, though I probably won't be writing opinionatedly.

Disclaimers are exceedingly Asian.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


Remember that movie Serendipity you (I? who do I blog to anyway...) used to love.
Well James & Grace took me to that restaurant yesterday!
Unfortunately it's overrated and expensive
And not at all like it is in the movie.
Had their signature frrrozen hot chocolate,
which I know makes no sense.
I told Tim it should have been called a chocolate brainfreeze.
Andy Warhol declared it his favorite sweet stop before he made it big.
His favorite table is on the first floor of the store.
The menus and stuff feature his doodles.
Lenny worked at Serendipity in the cornfields.
No, they are not the same.

I'm glad he's on this island too.
Makes it seem a bit smaller,

... but not that much smaller.

I used to really like that word...

serendipity (n) --
the art of making happy discoveries, or finding the unexpectedly pleasant by chance or sagacity; an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.

But as it turns out, nothing (random, crazy, heartbreaking, jarring though it may be) is by chance or by accident.

Everything, on the contrary, is solus Christus.
I hope I'll remember this concretely, everyday.
Err I mean...
God, help me believe this everyday.
And occasionally (because I'll need it),

Or often (because it's delightful),
Please make Your hand super obvious.

Serendipity is cute and sappy.But I'd much rather count on providence (n).

Oh god and on the topic of TT...
No that's much too exhaustive.

I'm so confused.
I've been confused.
Yes that must be it.
I don't want any of it.
Am I seeing things that aren't really there?

Am I sensing them because I wish they were?
Do I wish with they were?
Sort these thoughts another day.
Good thing I'm several states away.
Some crazy good timing on Your part.

Or else I'd probably break him.
Or confuse him to no end.
Or string him along.

I don't know what's going on

What's clear is I don't need, I can't have, I'm not ready for a relationship.
And I don't need, I can't have, I don't want (or I shouldn't want) anything in between.

Let sleeping dogs lie.
I almost typed die instead of lie. Ironic.

Well I'm sure whatever this confusion is is just a crush.
I was so sure I wouldn't like again.
Not for a long, long time.
Not after the burn
Not after playing with fire
Not after being played by fire
Not after Elijah. Josh. Gosh.

I didn't trust You.
You were protecting me all along.

And when I was finally free...
You worked in me to forgive.
And the freedom, the unrestraint, the growth
Was so exhilarating. You are so delightful.

So I resolved to maximize my singlehood.
And maintain that purity.

Or what was left anyhow.
Rejecting Thang and Jason was even easy.
I'm exhausted now but I gotta write this down

In case I forget or reason it away

And settle... into a relationship.

The good thing though...
Is I don't think that he would allow it.
Not that he even wants it.
I'm convinced I'm just deluded.
Reading into what was never there.

Oh well... it was a confusing time.

But maybe it wouldn't be settling
(Oh... I guess the forgetting/justifying is already beginning)

He (or someone like him) would keep me on my toes.
God is this okay? I think what I'm really drawn to... is You in Him.
Your very disarming kindness

That my walls which worked for the sons of earth
Will not hold against.
You... come guard my heart.

Ok well at least my radar is working.

So... maybe, hopefully, x(t) will increase with t.
Distance is good.
Yes... fickle fickle heart.
I'll get over it soon.
Priorities, Esther. And timing.

Although... other people called this pairing long before I ever entertained the thought.
I can hardly remember the days when the yg girls all had crushes on him,
And I just thought... why? Haha I get it now. I'm just way behind.

Ed made us take a picture at the baptism -- weird.
And then e-mailed it to me and said to show the grandkids.
Gosh. Juvenile.
Bobby doesn't seem to be letting me forget either.
I think he's addicted to matchmaking.
Oh I hope he doesn't make this worse.

I couldn't possibly handle a boy right now.
You're all I want. Wait... clearly no.

You're all I want to want.

So the good thing about new things (new blogs) is that they're undiscovered.
Think I'll keep it that way for now...
So much for sorting it out another day.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Awake in September?!

Where on earth did August go?!
*Cue overplayed Green Day song*
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last...

Between Your crashing into my plans and my very frail response... I must have missed the slew of goodbye parties. Life will go on for them. Will they even think of me... Do they even know where I am, how I am? Do they care? Sometimes I feel not just forgotten, but actively ignored.

God what the heck is it that You want me to learn through this all? You. Come and be enough.
I wish I could flip eggs.
Without a spatula.
Can't believe I have to cook for myself.
I'll probably be eating lots of eggs.
Tasty and easy.
Dorm food and meal plans are startin to sound pretty damn good.

It's Ariel's birthday.

It is strange having to dial 630 to check my voicemail.
I really miss my area code and everything that comes with it.
I wonder about 410 too,
And how life would have been like there.
My memory rests but never forgets what I lost...
Baptisms are so happy!
I'm glad I went home over Labor Day, if only to celebrate.
I'm so stoked that Bobby got baptized!

The tourney was fun too and dinner was good at Saint's Alp Teahouse.
Each year the tourney has churned my heart with some Elijah thing or another.
God I'm so glad You freed me from that.I had an Avocado Shrimp thing which was fabulous.
And so was the dollar chicken.
There's a store here too, on 3rd St.

Apparently I have a Chicago accent.
What is a Chicago accent anyway?

What a charming little... no, sprawling, city here.
The lights, the horns.
Everything is loud and fast.
Left, right, up, down.
Lights and sights and sounds.
It's easy to forget to breathe.
Which almost seems okay -- the air is so polluted anyway.
So much to see, do, eat, buy.
So easy to drown in.
Must stay afloat.
It makes me want to go home.
Wake me up when September ends...
I hate how planes stuff up your ears
It's a good feeling the first time your ears pop (owwie) and clear up (whew) after landing.
Such a relief to hear Your voice again
After I've muffled it for so long.
Though the things You had to pop to get to me...
Were very beyond dear.

Airports can really do a better job of recycling.
Actually, everyone can do a better job of recycling.
I've been on 8 flights within the last 2 weeks.
And this cold is kicking my butt.