Tuesday, September 4, 2007


Remember that movie Serendipity you (I? who do I blog to anyway...) used to love.
Well James & Grace took me to that restaurant yesterday!
Unfortunately it's overrated and expensive
And not at all like it is in the movie.
Had their signature frrrozen hot chocolate,
which I know makes no sense.
I told Tim it should have been called a chocolate brainfreeze.
Andy Warhol declared it his favorite sweet stop before he made it big.
His favorite table is on the first floor of the store.
The menus and stuff feature his doodles.
Lenny worked at Serendipity in the cornfields.
No, they are not the same.

I'm glad he's on this island too.
Makes it seem a bit smaller,

... but not that much smaller.

I used to really like that word...

serendipity (n) --
the art of making happy discoveries, or finding the unexpectedly pleasant by chance or sagacity; an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.

But as it turns out, nothing (random, crazy, heartbreaking, jarring though it may be) is by chance or by accident.

Everything, on the contrary, is solus Christus.
I hope I'll remember this concretely, everyday.
Err I mean...
God, help me believe this everyday.
And occasionally (because I'll need it),

Or often (because it's delightful),
Please make Your hand super obvious.

Serendipity is cute and sappy.But I'd much rather count on providence (n).

Oh god and on the topic of TT...
No that's much too exhaustive.

I'm so confused.
I've been confused.
Yes that must be it.
I don't want any of it.
Am I seeing things that aren't really there?

Am I sensing them because I wish they were?
Do I wish with they were?
Sort these thoughts another day.
Good thing I'm several states away.
Some crazy good timing on Your part.

Or else I'd probably break him.
Or confuse him to no end.
Or string him along.

I don't know what's going on

What's clear is I don't need, I can't have, I'm not ready for a relationship.
And I don't need, I can't have, I don't want (or I shouldn't want) anything in between.

Let sleeping dogs lie.
I almost typed die instead of lie. Ironic.

Well I'm sure whatever this confusion is is just a crush.
I was so sure I wouldn't like again.
Not for a long, long time.
Not after the burn
Not after playing with fire
Not after being played by fire
Not after Elijah. Josh. Gosh.

I didn't trust You.
You were protecting me all along.

And when I was finally free...
You worked in me to forgive.
And the freedom, the unrestraint, the growth
Was so exhilarating. You are so delightful.

So I resolved to maximize my singlehood.
And maintain that purity.

Or what was left anyhow.
Rejecting Thang and Jason was even easy.
I'm exhausted now but I gotta write this down

In case I forget or reason it away

And settle... into a relationship.

The good thing though...
Is I don't think that he would allow it.
Not that he even wants it.
I'm convinced I'm just deluded.
Reading into what was never there.

Oh well... it was a confusing time.

But maybe it wouldn't be settling
(Oh... I guess the forgetting/justifying is already beginning)

He (or someone like him) would keep me on my toes.
God is this okay? I think what I'm really drawn to... is You in Him.
Your very disarming kindness

That my walls which worked for the sons of earth
Will not hold against.
You... come guard my heart.

Ok well at least my radar is working.

So... maybe, hopefully, x(t) will increase with t.
Distance is good.
Yes... fickle fickle heart.
I'll get over it soon.
Priorities, Esther. And timing.

Although... other people called this pairing long before I ever entertained the thought.
I can hardly remember the days when the yg girls all had crushes on him,
And I just thought... why? Haha I get it now. I'm just way behind.

Ed made us take a picture at the baptism -- weird.
And then e-mailed it to me and said to show the grandkids.
Gosh. Juvenile.
Bobby doesn't seem to be letting me forget either.
I think he's addicted to matchmaking.
Oh I hope he doesn't make this worse.

I couldn't possibly handle a boy right now.
You're all I want. Wait... clearly no.

You're all I want to want.

So the good thing about new things (new blogs) is that they're undiscovered.
Think I'll keep it that way for now...
So much for sorting it out another day.

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