Sunday, December 21, 2008

So Tired of Being

Of being tired.

Two hours of tossing. And turning. And not sleeping.

One hour of vain attempts at productivity a.k.a. study/work. Ineffectual because, well, apparently not sleeping is slightly incapacitating. Quite the handicap.

One hour of further vain attempts at productivity a.k.a. sleep. I mean, try.

My pen could not keep up with my brain. So here I am again. Hello, blogger.
Typing madly. Because typing is faster than scribbling illegibly in my journal.

How is it that the mind attacks the body this way... to induce... insomnia. Or is it the soul that's revolting (in either the verbal or adjectival sense--take your pick). Maybe this merits a new tag; "psychosis" may be more apposite than "neurosis."

It's not like I don't try. I do and take everything that you say will help. I pay for your professional Dx. As to your Rx, I object. As mania is no healthier or more whole than depression, so the days at a time where I'd hibernate if society--and my roommates--permitted are no acceptable alternative to the consecutive sleepless nights.

Medicate or meditate? Beginning to lean to the latter... but how? M&M.
Maybe you need one first to be well enough for the other? Both, but one first? Which one?


All the while, Psyche is further fractured. She clamors for Eros, because feeling... nothing... is no way to live. Sleepwalking is not waking. Wakeparalysis is not sleeping. The zombie, the robot... have only a semblance of life. Need heart. Need to feel. Need to sleep.

Once upon a time,
I would wake at this hour.
Now, I'm still awake.


Who gives to His beloved sleep.
Ps 127.

Please. Mercy. Uncle. Father. Whatever.

Am Your beloved, Your creation, and You love me...
You have called me chosen for Your kingdom, unashamed to call me...

I will never doubt His promise

Though I doubt my heart, I doubt my eyes
My Deliverer is coming
I believe it!
Help my unbelief.

Sibling Quibbling

Who knows me well knows that my 哥哥 is of l'importance to me. We are more like-minded I think than I am with anyone else... But really different in many ways too. I manage to learn more about myself from him that from any other friend. Always inspired astonished and/or admonished to see in him who I could be. People say we talk alike, i.e. the same shade of monotony, I guess. Some people say we look alike too, but it's not like I get confused and call my reflection Josh when I look in the mirror (usually).

Last week he gave in to this 5th-grade-esque survey-list thing that's been floating around Facebook, and since I haven't felt so up to shareable or pleasant introspection lately you can read about my brother in his words instead of more about me in more of mine.

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
  1. My fear of death stems from not being able to know what will happen in a hundred or thousand years.
  2. Anything I bring into my apartment eventually ends up on the floor.
  3. I have two sets of leather couches, two bicycles, three computers, dozens of bottles of wine, hundreds of cigars, and no bed to sleep on.
  4. C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters also altered my way of thinking, once upon a time.
  5. I sometimes think I was born for a different time; I dream of things like building a home with my own hands, chopping down trees, tilling fields while pondering the meaning of life, grand adventures, and being generally self-sufficient.
  6. I have a contingency plan for every situation you are capable of fabricating.
  7. The sight of an object always brings back precious memories (I'm slowly purging myself of evil packrat tendencies).
  8. Seeking brunette(s) with freckles and ambition.
  9. I used to talk non-stop and get into trouble constantly.
  10. I've actively avoided introspection the past three years.
  11. I really like leather, especially in the form of shoes.
  12. At the age of twenty-one I began to seriously question the concept of monogamy.
  13. I also like wood, cotton, wool, silk and linen... Perhaps a little too much.
  14. I need to learn the meaning of hard work.
  15. I used to care what people say and catalog every conversation. Now I can rarely bring myself to give a damn.
  16. I've given too much thought to being homeless or living in my car.
I think #3, 5, 11, 12, 13, 16 are relatively new. #9 "used to" is probably a huge understatement... Applies to hyperactive elementary school times and Sunday School when he'd rewrite the lyrics to all the songs. And Chinese school. And then one day he became this brooding intellectual thing.

And his heartwarming tags:
Justin, who always brings out the best in me
John, for the endlessly entertaining sexual tension
Jon L, who reminds me so much of myself yet is ostensibly nothing like me
Chris, always becoming more heroic in my eyes
Adam, i miss the contemplative j00zerker hidden inside
Jack, who i struggle with wanting to emulate
Keith, simultaneously a stranger and a brother to me
Jon S, who i miss more than i care to admit
Jennie, a symbol of simpler, happier times
Ariel, someone who somehow actually understands me
Esther, i trained you so well but now i find so much to learn from you
Nancy, always making me smile
Serena, possibly my foil
Winnie, our brief encounters always intrigue and inspire me
Joanna, always reminding me of the man i once wanted to be
Jess, for making it comfortable and easy to be my stupid self

My cop-out reply:

Esther Liu at 11:54pm December 15
1) I like to start things...

Joshua Liu at 1:19am December 16
that is perfection
I may or may not get around to writing a real note as the directions say. I've been in such a funk (underunderstatement) as of late but today things are and I am looking Up again.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Subscribe to 365-Day ESV-SB Reading Feed

M'Cheyne was a Scottish minister who designed a 365-day Bible reading plan to take readers through the NT and Psalms twice yearly, and the rest of the OT annually.

I started following this daily schedule when my discipler Irene gave me D.A. Carson's For the Love of God on my birthday.

In these two volumes, Carson slightly modifies the M'Cheyne readings by tweaking reading boundaries in four places and by giving readers the option of halving the pace. He also offers helpful commentary and insightful reflection on one of each day's passages.

Ben Edgington
has designed a server for making the daily readings available as online feeds. I wrote him to request that he add the ESV Online Study Bible as an additional source and he did today. Way cool -- Thanks, Ben.

If your browser is set to remember your ESV SB login credentials then it's just one extra keypress. Go to to configure your subscription link.

M'Cheyne + Carson + ESV SB have been for me valuable and practical tools in the study of God's word, so I wanted to share it here in hopes that it'll be one less excuse for you too. I'll be using this.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


I like playing with the wax from Babybel's!