... the one landscape that we, the inconstant ones,
Are consistently homesick for... 

The blessed will not care what angle they are regarded from,
Having nothing to hide. Dear, I know nothing of
Either, but when I try to imagine a faultless love
Or the life to come, what I hear is the murmur
Of underground streams...

// WH Auden




Dreamland is making me ill. bring me to Real, the land of the living. mercy

Meanwhile spring arrived––

... a beautiful, kind-hearted spring, without spring’s usual promises and deceptions, and one of those rare springs which plants, animals, and people rejoice in together. This beautiful spring energized Levin even more, and hardened his resolve to make a complete break with the past... In spite of his solitude, or because of it, his life was extremely full, and it was only occasionally that he experienced an unsatisfied desire to communicate the ideas wandering round his head to someone other than Agafya Mikhailovna, although he often ended up discussing physics, agricultural theory, and especially philosophy with her...

// from Rosamund Bartlett's translation of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina

(Sakai's Velveteen Rabbit)

Dearly Departed

(On sacramental love, signpost saints, mirrored reflections, good ghosts, the blessed bygone)

Ah-gong's birthday soon.
I will be in Jordan.

Old love, you have left, I have been left behind, I have had to let you go, too, yet in spite of it all –– I know myself to have been and to be marvelously loved.

you came to me

with nothing

but unabashed affection,

like you had worked your whole life

just to cross oceans to adopt

and adore

me.

i was lucky.

very lucky to have had you

for so long. 

to have had you.
at all.

who am i? that you regarded me

with such joy

and favor...

my dear

old man,

surely I was the luckiest,

to have known Abba's smiles

through

you.

I have been thinking about this kind of sacramental love, signpost people, the very most reflective mirrors of the divine image.

I have known an unmeritable number of such formative friends.

Who are they? these ghosts who, having departed, stay with us yet? The blessed bygones who help and hound and hold and heal us on our way home, by their presence––by their absence too? In life or death, once near, now far-off. You grieve, yet with the strangest new hope, new hunger. And thirst. For righteousness. Satisfaction. It is good grief. Good ghosts.

Lack.

Abundance.

Love will abide.
Presence.
Absence.

Who are they, whose love was sacramental, life-dispensing, grace-bearing, whose loss is not only felt, but also felt proof of where they once had so very incarnately been?

In the spaces they leave, you know that their love was so astonishing, unending, so much stronger than death, that it lives on even in your own transfiguration–– your having been its object.

Of them, it can be said and sung "because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Who are they for whom "nevermind, I'll find someone like you" is neither possible nor desirable––no rebound or replacement could suffice or be true to how astonishingly and how truly you were upheld in unmixed love.

Expansion (a heart like the ocean) is the only way onward –– larger, deeper, farther, higher, more, greater, wider, stronger, longer. They came along, bore you up, went along.

I ask these things, because hardly a day goes by unblessed by the memories and the passage of these dearly departed, not all dead, saints, sons, and sinners.

Sometimes, such abundant, time-stopping with-ness seems just too extravagant for the mundane time order in which we must live on and labor. A dalliance with eternity.

To have crossed paths at all, was almost too much, and certainly not enough.

You could and likely will love and miss them for all your days, always longing yet never lacking. Certainly at the milestones –– signposts as they were. No longer having that bygone togetherness is just the light yoke of living right on, because that cup is overflowing still.

I am not glad they are gone, but I am not sorry; they remain near. It is a strange thing. The kind of encounters and brief communions that mediate and concretize the divine, intertrinitarian love and delight that gird up all that ever has been.

Perhaps that is why they come.
And why they must go.

Christ has died.

They were talking with each other about all these things that had happened.

While they were talking and discussing together,

To speak and be spoken to.

Jesus himself drew near and went with them;

but their eyes were kept from recognizing him.

These manifestations/demonstra(y)tions are miniscule in proportion.

Do you remember the redirection of the sun's rays by a diamond?

Kaleidoscope days.

Almost indulgent.

So clear, like

crystal.

Surreal.

Dizzying, like

breathing

pure,

rarefied

air.

thank you Lord for shadows and dim reflections.
thank you Lord, for space to see you.
thank you Lord, you are all that is real.

He acted as if he were going farther,

but they urged him strongly, saying,

"Stay with us, for it is toward evening

and the day is now far spent."

So he went in to stay with them.

When he was at table with them,

he took the bread and blessed and broke it and gave it to them.

And their eyes were opened, and they recognized him .  . .

He was known to them in the breaking of the bread.

You were there. A communion of souls. It was your table.

Christ is risen.

You were there. You were there, it was you.

Christ will come again.

Your Ghost. Your Abiding presence. 

My Guarantor. 

Your return. 

It will be my full consolation.

Sit with us, dear Lord. Dine with me here.
Holy Stranger, help me hear, help me see.
O Lord who changes not, abide with me.

Here I am!

I stand at the door and knock.

If anyone hears my voice and opens the door,

I will come in and eat with that person,

and he with me.

to be unbound, unfettered, unshackled, unbind, unfetter, unshackle

i'm no longer a slave to fear

my chains are gone

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked,

"Lord, how many times shall I forgive...?"

You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt,

and the LORD your God brought you out from there

with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm.

Therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day.

You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt,

and the LORD your God redeemed you;

therefore I command you this today...

It shall not seem hard to you when you let him go free from you

It shall be for the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow,

that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands... 

It shall be for the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow...

It shall be for the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.

You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt;

therefore I command you to do this.

repress

remember

release

inhale

exhale

remember

release

“You have judged rightly.”

Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon,

“Do you see this woman? I entered your house;

you gave me no water for my feet,

but she has wet my feet with her tears

and wiped them with her hair. 

You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in

she has not ceased to kiss my feet.

You did not anoint my head with oil,

but she has anointed my feet with ointment.

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are

forgiven—for she loved much.

But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

to Sleep Perchance to Dream

Restorative rest. The herd had encircled him... The sentinel was on duty. It's the same anytime any horse lies down. The herd gathers and guards. The sentinel watches and listens. Horses need REM sleep and cannot get it standing up. But on the ground they are more vulnerable to predators, so most horses will not lie down unless guarded by the herd. One of the many reasons why nature never intended horses to live in isolation... (50) // Joe Camp, The Soul of a Horse

Until fairly recently I could reliably be counted on to fall asleep within the first half hour of any movie watched with friends, in a home or at a theater... It was a running joke in our Big Kids' Movie Club from Summer 2014. I have seen the beginnings of so many movies. Un the company of friends, with comfy sprawling arrangements and dim lighting and a belly full of salty crunchies... I would, I could, lie down in safety. I'd fight For wakefulness sometimes and the movies were good! but heavyliddedness would overcome me like a long hemorrhaging deficit gobbles up new income, new lifeblood. Replenish.

Ah yes, I am learning to, coming to, lie down in safety, sleep in belovedness. Tethered to the tree fort. Swaddled. Safe. Sabbath rest.

Made for this. "Being domestic [does not] negate the claustrophobia and stress he lives with on some level, caused by feeling trapped, unable to flee, alone, and bored. Never mind how willing he might be to go into the stall either because he has always been forced to or because he knows that is where the food is" (60).

First Mover. "Much of the survival drive is wrapped up in the instinct to be safe, which means being part of the herd, understanding the language of the herd, and understanding the social order of the herd. Every herd, no matter how large or small, has a distinct pecking order. All determined by who moves who, thus who respects who, which translates into who feels safe with who as their leader" (65).

I've been reading this book from Nausicaa, and hanging out with horses. The instinct to flee, to fly, to survive, to test security and belonging, Am I better off with you than I am on my own? is an old, old friend to me. Coming to see in myself how those who are preyed upon seek the safety of a herd, how they achieve calm, helps me to tune into true safety and belonging and cease from my flight, and tell all my sheepish strugglin' scaredy friends, hey. HEY! Hey, we are okay now:

We are the people of His pasture, and the [dumb prone-to-wandering-off-and-dying prey animals] of His hand. Not slaves of the whip and bit and bridle; not enslaved but safekept. Loved. He gathers them in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. He had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd... he goes before them, they follow him, for they know his voice. A stranger they will not follow, but they will flee. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. I Am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. Come to me, weary and heavy-laden, I will give you rest.

And how did He know? How could He lead them... He himself was the Paschal Lamb.

He who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence.
They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore;
the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd,
and he will guide them to springs of living water,
and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing.

You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from.

True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side.

Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies.

You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life.

I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.

The total liberty of consent. The scandalous freedom of submitting to headship. "You want your horse to come because he or she wants to be with you. And when you begin by giving the horse the choice to be with you, and when you learn to communicate from the horse's end of the lead rope, creating that willing relationship is totally doable. It is never too late to begin again... I don't treat horses like puppies. I treat them like partners. Junior partners, of whom I expect great things... Because for the horse, to acknowledge and respect a leader is to feel safe. This is deeply rooted in their nature. And feeling safe means survival. Which makes the leader the source of emotional comfort. Is it any wonder, then, that they work harder for a good leader? Don't we all?" (68).

Pin your ears.

Lick and chew.

Be loved.

Be led.

Nod.

Come to Me.

Follow Me.

I laid down My life for you.

Wobbling in Place

I've had the great privilege of working closely with CH since going on full time with YL. She is so spirit-filled, composed, creative, visionary. We get down with how-are-you-really's and pray it out before gettin' down to business.  It's an incredible blessing.




Today I said I'm a bit turbulent, that it's Gramma's birthday today, and I miss her so very much. She was a mom and a friend to me.

CH said, you're kidding! It would have been her mother L's birthday today too.

It's not the only parallel in our stories. When we first met, we swapped stories of silence and speaking, truth to power.

Happy birthday to our dearly loved ghosts.

Hugs all around.

Thanks Abba.

Her mother who was murdered by her neighbor in a drunken brawl, when CH was 18. How the months before that, the Lord had orchestrated it such that nothing was left unsaid, there were no regrets. How they got their first and last photograph together. How she learned how crazy her ma really was about her.

How are you so brave and composed C? After all that you have lived through. It certainly gives me hope. I feel so wobbly all the time. Any surefootedness seems so tenuous, like testing the strength of ice on a frozen lake.

You are seeing the end result, girl. I wobbled most my way through the last three decades. You are right where you should be. It is okay.

every single story is a story about love

both the overflowing cup

and the painful lack thereof

****

P's match news this morning and re-considerations this week, reminders of perfect pruning, Your goodness, how You do not waste good faith. We talked about my N-approved choice of breakup tunes, how much it slays me, why I thought she should give it a spin (MDL & JLB also have steered her toward this album). Grieving and expressing love to someone so unfamiliar yet so missed and longed for.  The great paradox of her being everything you want and everything you can't have, everything she cannot be. You just have her, as she is, and that's what you have to and get to love. Carrie had schizophrenia. Sufjan slays me.

Little Sawdust Heart (more on ravishing and lavishing)

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse, “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once.” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been rubbed off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you become Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

____

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

____

He thought of those long sunlit hours in the garden–how happy they were–and a great sadness came over him. He seemed to see them all pass before him, each more beautiful than the other, the fairy huts . . . the wonderful day when he first knew that he was Real. He thought of the Skin Horse, so wise and gentle, and all that he had told him. Of what use was it to be loved and lose one's beauty and become Real if it all ended like this?