Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dora's Playground No More

Lots of thoughts lately on propriety, not so much in the moral/behavioral sense of what is correct, but in regards to what is wise, prudent, safe, honorable.

What should be done when one and another develop mutual interest?

So many variables to consider... So complicated.

On second thought, it's very simple. It is not time for me to date. And while it's perfectly natural (made for good but inherently fallen) for me to like someone, there is a correct time and place for those desires to awaken. To sustain a "special" friendship without stated intentions or non-intentions of pursuit seems to me rather naive, if not foolish and cowardly and non-committal. Comfortable, for sure... But not without consequences. I feel like I wouldn't be able to be actively involved in the life of someone I like without having to dangerously tiptoe around my overdrive, without unfairly binding him by my expectations. Maybe I just don't compartmentalize well enough. To sustain the same friendship while claiming no further intentions seems equally strange, like it is sure to backfire. I don't think I (should) want my person to be enjoyed by someone any more than he enjoys his other friends... outside of a committed relationship.

I am fleshly and desire accordingly.
Desires are manageable... when everything else is.
I cannot count on having sensible circumstances that allow me to resist temptation.
I must flee and cut off. Must I flee and cut off?

This is my heart...
deceitful above all things
prone to wander and stumble.

It gropes around in the dark
& learns by trial and error
though those growing pains would be needless
if I only take Him at His word.

I wonder if my heart were more teachable,
would I still be here.
quae miserrima.

I need to run,
but I need You to show me
that it is out of obedience and correct fear.

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