Friday, January 25, 2008

The Drive

3am. Cleveland was halfway. Dropped in at RBC's unannounced to interrupt circadian rhythms as I do at any college campus I visit (especially the many sweet times at U of I...), and she was happy-surprised... at first... She showed me around, introduced me to people who I probably will never see again, such as her very animated Indonesian friend Karina. I wanted to ask her just to stop, that I didn't need or want to be doing or seeing anything, I just wanted to be WITH her, and take a break from the valley with her. So good it was... to have face time with my dear after a difficult and volatile day.

We wrote to Mr. Heup :)

Later she cried and when I asked her to pray for me and with me, she asked why I had to come and bring her two comfortably separate lives to a crashing merge. I've shattered her insulated world, she said. Such a delicate collision of many "I can't be home. Can I come sleep over?" nights in my Naperville sunroom and one "I don't think I can go on, RBC" night in her Cleveland dorm room. But it was good to struggle there against ourselves... Unwillingly though it was at first to pray for such bitter things as family... school... To offer the things we had been withholding.

Ari napped and we sat and ate Morinaga gummies and a lot of eggs. I don't like yolks. RBC tweaked my facebook and put in Napoleon (I abhor that movie) as one of my favorites... Great. Why are fb subtleties so amusing... predicted horrible, horrible weather and severe storms for our trip. No earlier or later window could have granted us better weather. Snow, sleet, freezing rain, black ice...

And somehow we had, except for a 40-min Indiana stretch where we drove by many trucks that had slid off the road, instead... Dry roads, clear skies that offered breathtaking views of the country sky. I wish I had been awake for more of the glorious interstate stretches, but I napped when I wasn't driving.

Do I not hold each one?
Did I not count each one?

I, the LORD of hosts...
I hold your life too.

Sometimes His sovereignty strikes more terror than it stirs comfort.

When the sun rose around 7am the beautiful geens and blues of Pennsylvania's mountains came into view from the grey. Ari & I chat, like in old days, of the many boys in her life, and the sweet but oh so complex one in mine who could never tire of the night sky. I'm so glad all the tenseness and weirdness of last semester (and oh god... winter camp... horrendous) is finally over. Can't wait for things to be different between us -- normal -- and I honestly don't think I'm deceiving myself in thinking we can be, and are, just... friends. Hah most people are friends first, I guess we just had to be different and be confused first. I've never seen you so happy and at peace about a boy, she says, and yes, she would know. And I've never been so ready to give one over to God. He's Yours! Thank You for all that You've tuaght me through him as of late, and for our renewed friendship.

Around 9am we were driving through the breaethtaking Delaware Water Gap, which I would have appreciated more if my thoughts had not been vascillating between the splendor of creation, wanting to share the view with people at home, despair at the thought of arriving back in NY soon, worry about being de-registered...

Mom called just about half an hour ago. I had left her voice messages throughout the drive she'd been so worried about driving through the night, the weather, the wind-y mountain roads...

She wished me a happy half-birthday.

In the frenzy of it all, I had completely forgotten.

I blinked back the sting in my eyes and did not say a word.

"Hello? Mei mie? Hello?"

And my voice broke.

Thank You for bringing me here safely... Now can I go home please?

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