Tuesday, July 6, 2010

In a world already dark to me, I closed my eyes and would not see.

I scorn, scoff at, spit on You. Mt 26.67
Utterly unfaithful then I added anger to my sin...
And still Your death... it saves me every day.
(Syntax is p resent tense for progressive/repeated aspect as HH DG and BP would say)
"S'all good, praying sure does beat sleep. Im glad that you came back this weekend, and not just because we could see you or whatnot... But seems like He was really speaking to and through you. Ill miss you, but I know you are in the best of hands. We are prone to being rebellious, but its the turning back to Him thats the key. He is forever faithful. Take care, friend" 2:55pm text from bro made me cry in Greek class. He gets it. Prayer works. Lord, you win the hearts of men.

I'm slightly ashamed and embarrassed still that he had to witness my rebellion and refusal to talk to You. But LORD I thank you that it is not my example or faithfulness that convey any power, but yours. I thank you that he follows not me but you. Let him... let all of them... see not that I am/appear faithful, but that You remain utterly faithful in my rebellion.

I need You, God!

Thank You, for equally yoked friends. I don't know when that happened with Franklin but what I do know is that You alone did it. Thank You for not leaving me alone in my anger and doubt and for my friend's boldness in administering Your grace to me... especially for how simply albeit... nervously?... he opened the dialogue with you. I wonder if he was scared to... or how he saw/sees me, I guess I can be hard on him at times... wonder if he picked up on it that other night at camp.

I guess... like... how can I be praying for you?
And I sighed and shrank into the drivers' seat of James' car which we'd hijacked and I wanted to yell or fight or cry... but met Your mercy there, in sticky hands and melted cones, 2 to 4AM in the McD's parking lot. I gripped the steering wheel, 10 and 2 and pushed against it as if to push your invitation and his away... And felt the weight of my rebellion. Again.

How could I have denied you again, so soon after retreat. But You always bring these to these moments of horrific awareness at my stark denial of you, Jesus--leaving Michelle's party saying fia and getting trashed... sweet repentance with Konny... news of Mrs. Shiou the next morning and sobbing through my OT Narrative midterm--how could you make me contemplate your character in that pain? how could you? i wanted to deny your love. so lost in my lostness i crossed west side highway without even looking... GAh. God... drowning in Your mercy then and in your jealous love all that next week in south bx. And even this weekend chucking my journal across the room at what You were asking me to do, at how You wanted to make me more like You... how You showed me how I was like him. like him, the one who doesn't even realize he needs my forgiveness, who if he knew i'd given it might even sneer at it and reject it?! the one who continues to live as though never having tasted or understood your grace. how could You make that comparison? and yet how am i not he... battles between grace and pride, mang. but you show a mercy that i don't understand... Then last night dying and despairing again by mom and dad...

And so I struggled there in the car against you and myself, betrayed your worth to my brother... Lord thank you for speaking through him to me... foremost of sinners.

I shrank at Your touch every time he called upon You, "Father God." But You are not like any earthly dad... Why even now is it so hard to call on You this way, Abba. Heal my heart, Jesus.

Always turn my heart back to you, Lord.
Make it in grace to stay.

Why do I resist You, Lord??? I who have glimpsed Your glory, tasted Your goodness ... am so quick to forget and rebel.  I completely invert what James 4.7 says to submit yourself therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Merciful God, though I resist You, you have not fled from me. Though I flee from You, where can I go from Your presence????? Thank You for never letting go of me... Thank You thankyouthankyouu. For bringing me to these places where I realize it was I who crucified the Son of God and yet it is I who am shown mercy... I kill You, and rather than let me have the final word, You resurrect in my heart and You let me worship You freely, remembering that it was for me that You died... You let me deny You and You pour out forgiveness...

Lord You are good to remind me of the truth through these moments of denial and rebellion. I am that sinner You died for. I am the one yelling crucify. Mocking, scoffing, abandoning you. So loud that I don't hear You gasping my pardon. You are good to turn my heart back to you. But please, Father, grant me a steady and submissive heart that doesn't just... flare up and forsake You. Not first that I might be/seem faithful, but because You are, and You deserve love and devotion. You're so. Freaking. Faithful.
on a different note its like a bajillion degrees out. and i had set down to write a reflection on camp, but hey this is it, isn't it, God? you say something, like at camp, and then you do it. you pour out your mercy and forgiveness and grace. you're such a patient teacher to send a word, then give a test. if i have failed, You teach me gently. You're SO good.

this is so long and rambly but God i really don't want to forget Your grace or deny You again anytime soon.

I stood in Peter's shoes today. i have never so closely identified with him and the rooster and your reconfirmation of him. you knew he would deny you, just like you must have written all these events like last night into your story... and you let him stray and brought him back, that he would know your grace so deeply that he would never shut up about it the rest of his life. how many times did i deny you in one night before the sun rose? you warned him Lk 22.31, that Satan would tempt him to despair, would sift him like wheat. and you prayed for him, that his faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.

I am Peter. I am without answer when you ask three times "Do you love me?" for the three times I deny you, hearing your call to feed your sheep. I will, Lord.
I'm astounded at how well you keep me, you pray for me that my faith may not fail, you teach me.
Is that what my life will come down to? Always turning back to you, and strengthening my brothers.
May it always be. in your worthy name.

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