How to Read Bread, 1.

Wondering where to start, I began looking over my shelves... It was there I made an unsettling discovery. I had more books on Greek grammar than I did on the life of Christ.

It was incriminating to realize that He who had given so much occupied so small a shelf in my life. In the quiet courtroom of my heart, I was suddenly the defendant... The questions were indicting. What had I been doing in seminary?

Had I been learning how to live my life, or had I simply been learning how to use my gift?
What had I been pursuing those four years? A Savior, or simply a skill?

Had I been reading the Bible the way Van Gogh's sister read books, "to borrow therefrom the force to stimulate my activity"?

Had I read it, searching for principles, to make my life in some way more successful?
Had I read it, searching for promises, to make my life in some way more safe?
Had I read it, searching for proof texts, to give certainty to my own faith or make it more defensible to others?
Had I read it, searching for preaching material, because that was my job?
Had I read it, searching for power, for whatever reason?

Or had I read it, as Van Gogh had read his books, searching for the man who wrote it?

(Ken Gire, Windows of the Soul, 172-173)

I've totally been Van Gogh's sister a thousand times.

Supplies!!

So I managed to scoot my way down to U of I with Heather, Selina, James, Jon for a spontaneous visit to Peehee. It's a joy to have people who are joyed by your mere presence. Crazy good talks and times, especially getting to catch up with Jon and Timmy Shiou and man God really worked His goodness in those convos. Such goofy boys on that floor... Late night karaoke and fire alarms. & I really like Tim's church.

I love spontaneity and good surprises.

Jessica & Iris picked me up from O'Hare to surprise Mom & Dad at home Thursday. I rang the doorbell, it was almost midnight... Saw the lights flicker and I could guess what was going on inside. An muffled exchange probably along the lines of "Who could be coming this late?" -- "I don't know, you get it, I'm already in my nightgown." Dad opened the door and mumbled "Hm, surprise surprise!" Jessica giggled, he thanked her and she left. He closed the door and attempted a hug, which was beyond awkward because...

He's never done it before.
And it was really more of a smush my face into his armpit dealio than a hug.

Such really surreally good times this weekend. These people make it damn near impossible to leave. I don't do well with goodbye hugs, or goodbyes in general. I really tried my best to avoid it too. Just so I wouldn't have to pull away. Haha I'm such a cheese.

As it usually goes when I'm home, mumsy's taken every opp to lecture me. She says Josh has forgotten how he came to be allowed to attend his college. He's ascribed God's glory to dad, she says...

Can he really have forgotten all the anger, the nights he cried and days he had no appetite...

Screwtape must be overjoyed.

Is there any hurt I've suppressed that way? Any way I've tried to beautify and gloss over difficult images that I'd rather not remember because of the pain of rejected love, intentional neglect...

Let me never forget that this world never delivers or lives up to or satisfies. It never is true.
Let me live in forgiveness but not denial.

Can You free him, let him enjoy You again & know that You are not as earthly Fathers? free him from the sins of his father? free dad from the sins of his?

Lord break their hold on me too.

Well my RCF sg leader is online I just introduced Albert to Hello and wow, I really used to photodocument my life! I brought my camera to NYC in September but it's collecting dust. I guess I just have no desire to remember this year in pictures.

A Dozen Things I Enjoy

(in no particular order... okay fine, i confess i started out ROYGBIV...)

1) Brita
    Safe(r) water!


2) Moleskine 18-Month Weekly Notebook Planner
    For planning & journaling my life away. Highly recommended for July 2008 - Dec 2009.

3)Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm
    Soothing cooling relief for wind-chapped lips.

4) Ciao Bella Maccha Kako Yo Gelato
    Green Tea Ice Cream with White Chocolate Chips -- Never thought I'd say this, but it's better than Maeda-En!

5) Contact Lenses
    Where would I be without my contacts? (There is an answer... It's crashing into poles and people and Polish people.)

 6) Compact TruGrip ESV Bible
    The $5 bible goes wherever I go.

7) Discraft Ultra-Star 175
    We refuse to play with Wham-O's.



8) Google Reader
    New fav aggregator! Norman said it would be life-changing... Thanks man.

9) 0.38mm Pilot G-2
    Great pen! Retractable too... Writes better (better grip) than Hi-Tec-C.

10) Husband
    My husband is black. We like to snuggle in bed.


11) LG CU500
    My cell phone, looks just like the picture except in scratchy purple. It's survived many a beating; I drop my phone precisely once a day.



12) 30-Day Unlimited Metrocard
    Subway/bus hopping fun & making strangers smile when you offer them free swipes!



Are such pleasures too esoteric?


Thank you God for both the simple things and the luxuries that make this life more enjoyable. Help me not to get caught up with accumulating such things when some of my neighbors are so in need, and as having You is already more than enough.

The Lotus Effect

Although it grows best in muddy waters, the leaves and flowers of the lotus plant stay clean. I learned about this today when wiki-ing biomimetics stuff for Tu's lab. The lotus is a symbol of purity in many cultures, and its surface is effectively unsticky for anything (don't know if this includes sticky surfaces... like duct tape).

Argh... LORD, my heart is so sticky for the muck of this world. Free me from their rationale, their values, their systems which they tell me are better than You and better than Yours. Free me so that for me, to live would be Christ Your Son! May He appear, in all the sticky seduction, all the clingy lies, all the gloppy gluey godlessness, all the more desirable & alluring. LORD increase my affinity for You. Tape me to the altar, God this living sacrifice doesn't want to crawl off and get stuck in, tricked and trapped by the world anymore.

Lucia Del C

I have a child! :P

Lucia shares my birthday and lives in Guatemala with her parents, two brothers and a sister. I've taken up the privilege of sponsoring her through World Vision.

Please pray for her life (and for me to be a faithful sponsor/intercessor). Though even very basic provisions and opportunities bring their family great joy, pray that Lucia and her family will someday have the true satisfaction of knowing Christ!

Love Your Neighbor

(as yourself)

Hooray! The loud ditzy partygirl slob blondies have moved out. In their place are two German girls on their semester abroad. Welcome Janine & Isabel. These last few days I've been showing them around the city and helping them get acclimated, so that hopefully their first few months here will be more bearable than mine.

Well I hate being here.
My heart is protesting every second of it.
But God seems to be keeping me here...
He could make it seem more welcoming.

But He's not.
Why not.

Even if I'm miserable, will I still make room for others' needs...? Will they be as pressing a priority as my own?

Man... qualifying the great commandment with "as yourself" really ups it several notches. Damn near impossible.

Keep my hands open, God, to give... And receive.

The Drive

3am. Cleveland was halfway. Dropped in at RBC's unannounced to interrupt circadian rhythms as I do at any college campus I visit (especially the many sweet times at U of I...), and she was happy-surprised... at first... She showed me around, introduced me to people who I probably will never see again, such as her very animated Indonesian friend Karina. I wanted to ask her just to stop, that I didn't need or want to be doing or seeing anything, I just wanted to be WITH her, and take a break from the valley with her. So good it was... to have face time with my dear after a difficult and volatile day.

We wrote to Mr. Heup :)

Later she cried and when I asked her to pray for me and with me, she asked why I had to come and bring her two comfortably separate lives to a crashing merge. I've shattered her insulated world, she said. Such a delicate collision of many "I can't be home. Can I come sleep over?" nights in my Naperville sunroom and one "I don't think I can go on, RBC" night in her Cleveland dorm room. But it was good to struggle there against ourselves... Unwillingly though it was at first to pray for such bitter things as family... school... To offer the things we had been withholding.

Ari napped and we sat and ate Morinaga gummies and a lot of eggs. I don't like yolks. RBC tweaked my facebook and put in Napoleon (I abhor that movie) as one of my favorites... Great. Why are fb subtleties so amusing...

Weather.com predicted horrible, horrible weather and severe storms for our trip. No earlier or later window could have granted us better weather. Snow, sleet, freezing rain, black ice...

And somehow we had, except for a 40-min Indiana stretch where we drove by many trucks that had slid off the road, instead... Dry roads, clear skies that offered breathtaking views of the country sky. I wish I had been awake for more of the glorious interstate stretches, but I napped when I wasn't driving.

Do I not hold each one?
Did I not count each one?
I, the LORD of hosts...
I hold your life too.

Sometimes His sovereignty strikes more terror than it stirs comfort.

When the sun rose around 7am the beautiful geens and blues of Pennsylvania's mountains came into view from the grey. Ari & I chat, like in old days, of the many boys in her life, and the sweet but oh so complex one in mine who could never tire of the night sky. I'm so glad all the tenseness and weirdness of last semester (and oh god... winter camp... horrendous) is finally over. Can't wait for things to be different between us -- normal -- and I honestly don't think I'm deceiving myself in thinking we can be, and are, just... friends. Hah most people are friends first, I guess we just had to be different and be confused first. I've never seen you so happy and at peace about a boy, she says, and yes, she would know. And I've never been so ready to give one over to God. He's Yours! Thank You for all that You've tuaght me through him as of late, and for our renewed friendship.

Around 9am we were driving through the breaethtaking Delaware Water Gap, which I would have appreciated more if my thoughts had not been vascillating between the splendor of creation, wanting to share the view with people at home, despair at the thought of arriving back in NY soon, worry about being de-registered...

Mom called just about half an hour ago. I had left her voice messages throughout the drive she'd been so worried about driving through the night, the weather, the wind-y mountain roads...

She wished me a happy half-birthday.

In the frenzy of it all, I had completely forgotten.

I blinked back the sting in my eyes and did not say a word.

"Hello? Mei mie? Hello?"

And my voice broke.

Thank You for bringing me here safely... Now can I go home please?