Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Learning to Be a Child, 2.

Beware the undertow.
Cain fell victim to the jealous rage he refused to master.

My friend is working with her almost-three-year-old on "trusting and believing Mommy":

Unbelievable! she sighs.
What it comes down to is this:
he really doesn't know how much  I love him, 
the content or the extent of my love.
I tell him I love him, again and again,
everyday, in many ways.

But no child knows.

I never was good at being a child. I always had to know. When all the trust and belief in mommy and daddy began to do violence, I was berated again for withdrawing in self-protection. Punished a second time, for being hurt, for not finding or placing security in their imperfect love. So it felt.

Not so is the LORD's love.
But I just. don't. know.

How do I give him my honesty? My honest garbage.
The fury, grief, and despair that blind me to His forever love.

How is it okay? To abuse the One who loves me, in my not knowing?

But for his mercy, it would not be okay.
I would be destroyed and given over.
I would have abandoned my Faithful One.

The LORD, though, He remains patient, faithful, turns my heart back.
Steeps it in grace, to see that it was never me loving Him or clinging to Him.
All my heart and all my soul and all my strength cannot muster trust and belief in those dark hours.
But He never lets me go, never leaves me outside His forever love.

Must I turn away? Can't I love Him?

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