Remembering.

Mama Shiou loved me. When she passed away a year ago today, she was the only "adult" who shared a terrible secret I kept. The only parent, anyway. The three were kind to befriend me through the pain, but gently urged me to grow up through it. She knew, and she still loved me. She knew and she gave me the space to be a child. Made me feel fully known, yet fully loved. Told me I was still precious, clean, that I could still go lightly...

lots of girls walk around in tears

but that's not for you

you've been lookin all around for years

for someone to tell your troubles to

come and sit with me and talk awhile

let me see your pretty little smile

put your troubles in a little pile

and i will sort them out for you

// the white stripes

She told me not to take myself so heavily.
A beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl, she said when she fastened it on me.
Always smile at least as bright as the beads, she told me.
The picture was taken the day after God took her Home.

He loved me devastatingly. I rejected Him.
Didn't doubt His love or mercy--admitted it and spat on it.
He held onto me. He will love me to the very end.

In her absence I now know, she is not The Safe Place. The Sanctuary. or The parental arms and acceptance. My Father in heaven covers me, and gave me a taste through her. Now I see.

In all circumstances He continues to lift the veil to see what I never dared to believe: that exile was en route Home.